If You Listen, You May Learn Something New
Too many people love
the sound of their own voices, but they simply don’t realise how detrimental
this is to their personal development. They repeat themselves to countless
people countless times ad nauseum, and no matter how interesting their thoughts
might be, they will always be the same thoughts running around, for now, and
ever more. It is comforting to be surrounded by your (mostly positive)
self-talk, but not much of it will give you incremental insights or
breakthrough discoveries.
No, the really good
stuff comes when you listen.
Thinking about what
you are gong to say next takes an awful lot of energy. If you are fixated on
getting your point across, you will concentrate on what you are going to say
next, and inevitably your conversation partner’s message will remain
superficial. If, on the other hand, you are fixated on understanding what the
other person has to say, you will be able to use every conversation as a
learning experience.
You can learn so much
about someone else not only by what they say but how they say it. Their tone
will tell you about their mood, their body language will hint at their attitude
towards you, the words that they choose will convey a whole new depth of
meaning. You can only understand this stuff if you are “present” for the
conversation – and that means that you can’t be obsessed by what you are saying
next.
That is what pauses
are for.
When you listen to
someone, it is perfectly okay to pause before you reply to them. If you reply
like a machine gun the moment they stop speaking (or even worse interrupt them
in mid-flow), they will feel like their viewpoint is being utterly disregarded.
If, on the other hand, you take the time to digest their words, they will
consider your reply that little bit more carefully.
The best learning
comes with this give and take. No conversation flourishes when it is a one-way
street, but if both partners view listening to one another as the key goal of
the conversation, ideas will flow, be digested and flow back.
To give a recruitment
example, this is what the best interviews are about. Rather than coming to the
interview with a set of fixed questions, the interviewer should give the
candidate a chance to “lead” the conversation, and in truly listening to their
story the interviewer can ask questions to understand what they need to
understand. The candidate, in turn, should understand what these questions are
getting at, and both parties leave with a true understanding of what each other
are all about. In my experience, too many interviewers go into the interview
with a set idea of what they want to hear, rather than an open mind about what
they might be able to hear. There is a big difference.
There are many
benefits to becoming a better listener, but for me, it comes down to one
motivation: learning.